Balancing my Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship
As a gay man approaching 50, my life has involved many, largely enjoyable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a serious relationship which continued for a significant period, however I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved nor sexually nourished. The fact is that my constant desire has been for casual sex. Whenever I begin seeing a potential partner, when the initial excitement fades, an impulse arises to have sex with other men again.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to sustain a monogamous relationship. I understand that numerous homosexual males engage in open relationships, but from my observations, they have seemed like hard work, frequently resulting in significant heartache and envy among all parties. In many ways, I want another man to love me while allowing me to remain sexually free, but I dread to imagine the psychological toll this might create. Should I just continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship is not possible? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Every person’s sexual journey varies. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your ability to tolerate various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. Your needs in your current state may well change down the road; at a certain time you may find yourself more decisive and discover greater understanding and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. At some point you might meet a person offering a life-changing chance to you through mirroring your desires completely … and later on you may choose that non-committal encounters are best for you. Worrying about what lies ahead and playing endless speculation is merely rooted in fear and squandering of your efforts. Try to be present in your relationships, and recognize the worth of each person you connect with intimately an intimate bond. When and if you are ever ready to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.
- The psychotherapist practices as a US-based psychotherapist focusing on treating sexual disorders.
