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As a woman in my late 30s, I’ve consistently thought that good manners is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a fulfilling life, I’ve faced very low self-confidence. This mix of aiming to be considerate and doubting myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Often, it happens so reflexively that I’m not even aware of it. It originates in anxiety and has impacted both my personal and work life. It irritates my close ones and co-workers, and then I get frustrated when they point it out—which only increases my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Questioning

This over-apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to public speaking or making inquiries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay concise and avoid going off-topic, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an junior researcher in political science, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through exposure therapy, such as leading sessions and compelling myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing setbacks from established male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I revert to old habits.

Personal Peace

I doubt I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still value life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to stop the frequent sorrys. I’ve learned that counseling might benefit me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Understanding the Roots

A counselor might explore where this compulsion comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it your own idea or inherited from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once benefited us become maladaptive in adulthood.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-defeating. You realize it irritates those around you, yet you keep doing it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on being rather than doing. Much of good therapy is about self-reflection, not just fixing issues. A skilled therapist will kindly probe you, offering a comfortable setting to examine and accept who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a relational approach with a humanist therapist might be more effective. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, disregard, and undermine yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-assurance can develop from there.

Practical Steps

Changing ingrained patterns is hard, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid shame or exposure, by admitting perceived flaws before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and anxiety.

Even thinking things through can be helpful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel understood without you taking responsibility.

This approach will take patience, but recognizing there’s an issue is a important first step toward growth.